Thursday, May 6, 2004

Our beautiful little Angle Lilly Maree Lesley was born an angel on Thursday 6th May 2004.

I was booked in to be induced on Thursday at 3pm, Jeff went to work for the morning and I stayed at home and rested, I realized that I didn't think I had had any movement that morning and drank a few glasses of cold water to see if I could get any movement I remember laying down after that and I feel asleep when I woke up I had forgotten all about it as I had a shower and got ready for the hospital, Jeff arrived home and just as we were checking we had everything I started having some pains which continued in the car and were about five minutes apart and a little painful, I said to my Jeff that I think I am having contractions.

We arrived at the hospital and went into a labour ward where they tried to put the monitor on to measure her heartbeat the midwife was having trouble locating a good trace she told us and she said she was leaving to page my ob, my ob arrived a short time later and they brought in a mobile scanner as soon as my ob scanned my belly I knew what she was going to say, It was the worst news I have ever heard in my life she told us that our baby had gone.

I went ahead with labour which was really hard to do I given an epidural so as not to have any pain but it could help the pain I was and still am feeling in my heart.

Lilly was born at 11.37pm a sweet and precious little angle. She stayed with us in hospital until we left on the Saturday morning, my DH and I feel so special to have spent that time with here and will never forget it.

The hardest part I find is not knowing why they think that placenta had a bleed and she was distressed as she had pooed inside, we are still awaiting the results of the placenta but we may never know the real reason.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Lilly's First Birthday

Messages of Support

What sad news about your daughter.. I hope you are okay as best you can be.. I do not know what ot say..

I am soo sorry



We've never spoken before (I popped in to see how you were going as I noticed you were overdue) but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you & your family at this very, very sad time.

I can't find any words that you would find comforting & I cannot begin to imagine how you feel.

My thoughts are with you.



So sorry to hear the news about your daughter, take time to grieve and look after yourself. Sending you lot of love and strength at this time.


Annie M


I am so sorry to here of your loss of your little girl, my thoughts are with you and your family at this time. Take care.


I'm very sorry to hear about Lilly. You are in my thoughts.



I am so very sorry to hear about Lilly. My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you every strength to get through this, you are in my thoughts and prayers.


OMG Oh Kim, I am so sorry to hear your devestating news. I had been following you (the last of our group) in the Due In thread. You were keeping so well last week and were ready to meet your beautiful baby. Was there are problem during the birth?

I am sitting here in tears for your loss, not quite knowing what to say, but I hope that you are able to find some level of inner peace at what must be a terribly painful time.

Lilly Maree Lesley is a beautiful name for a beautiful angel. Lilly will no doubt be watching over you at this time and forever more.

Take care


Oh God, Oh Kim, I am so sorry. I am sitting here all choked up. I don't know what to say. Thinking and praying for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Karen (me) – 25

Kim, i am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby girl. i cant imagine what you are going through. when you are up to it i hope you can pop in and tell us a little more about your precious princess...

oh Kim I am so sorry to hear. you must feel
devastated. There is no comfort for this. Your little
girl must have had such a long hard journey.
I am thinking of you ; you are tremendously brave.
Many prayers.


Oh Kim I am so sorry to read about your precious angel. She will be watching over you. Just want you to know that we are thinking about you.


Dear Kim,
I am so sorry for you loss, I am thinking of you at such a sad time.


Dear Kim and family

I am so saddened to read that you have lost your precious Lilly.

I hope that somehow you are able to find comfort in each other and your memories.

Take all of the time you need to grieve. The loss of a baby is such a devastating thing to overcome.

If you need to talk, pleae PM me as I have been through it oo. I have lots of contacts and poems if you would like them.

Thinking of you


Dear Kim and Family,

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your beautiful angel Lilly.

Me Leanne 24

I am so so so so sorry to hear of your awful news, please know that we are all here for you and send our love and lots of hugs....her name is beautiful. She will watch over you both forever....


Dear Kim,

I am so very devistated to hear this sad news. Words truly cannot describe how much my heart is aching for you, and I cannot begin to imagine how much pain your heart is suffering. May your little one rest in peace in our beautiful heaven above, and one day you will meet again, your precious little Lilly. Such a beautiful name too

Please take care hun, and I am so very sorry If you ever need anyone to talk to just let me know, I am all ears. Hugs & Kisses xoxoxo

Kim - My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can't begin to comprehend how you must be feeling but I wanted you to know we are all here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on and a warm heart to hold you

Rebecca (21)

Kim - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am praying for your little Lilly and your family.


Kim - so sorry to hear about your loss - it just blew me away. I hope that you are getting lots of support and I am thinking of you


Kim - Have just heard your news, I am so very sorry to hear about Lilly, my heart goes out to you and your family, you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Kim i hope you are holding up ok, i did read your post earlier this week but really did not know what to say, stay healthy and heal at your own pace

oh Kim!
I wish I had the right words to express what I feel.
Lilly looks beautiful in your sig. and I am very, very sorry that the world wasn't given the opportunity to get to know her.
You are in my thoughts and I wish you lots of strong, healing and grieving love.


I am so sorry. My DH and I will be praying for you and your partner and family. We are devastated for you.

From Charlotte

im so glad that you posted and that we could see a picture of Lilly Maree..she is beautiful
hold onto those precious memories in the hospital
take care and know that we are all here for you
sending you love and support



Thank you for sharing your story, i know it must be so hard, I cant even begin to imagine what you are going through. Please know that we are all here for you and sending hugs and lots of love your way. Lilly is beautiful, keep her close to your heart. You will meet, one day.....

Hugs and love


Oh Kim, I am so sorry for your loss, Lilly is a beautiful name and she is a gorgeous little baby. May your little Angel always be looking over you. Take care.


Hello Kim

I have been thinking really hard for the last couple of days about what to say since I have seen your first post about your Angel Lilly Maree Lesley. But nothing sound alright and words do not express what I want to say and my thoughts go round in circles. Here it goes.

I realised that the post would have been hard to write and that you did need to do it for yourself. I hope that you will let me pray and send healing to you all. I would like to let you know that I am here if you would like to talk to someone(PM me).

That is the hardest bit not knowing why. Sometimes we will never know why somethings happen.

Lilly will always hold a special place your heart and that of your family. I am glad that you got to get that special time with Lilly at the hospital. She looks so beautiful in the picture.

You can only take it one day at a time. Do what ever you, your husband and family need to do cope in this time.

You and your husband have a special Angel Lilly in heaven looking after you.

Take Care


Thank you for sharing your story. I have been thinking of you often since reading your last post, and can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.

Sending lots of love, strength and hugs to you, your partner and your family. Take care and cherish the memories that you have.


Kim thank you for sharing your story. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through and the courage it has taken to share with us your precious little girls story.

Me Leanne 24

Hello Kim

I am so sad at the moment. Your little girl is so
lovely in the picture. I cant imagine how you must
feel, but I hope that you and your husband can get
some strength from somewhere.

I am sure you will treasure the 9 months you spent

Much love


kim....i cried as i read your story....i cant even imagine your pain. it made me truely believe how lucky and blessed the rest of us are to have our little bundles here safe and sound. We are all here for you and are thinking of you in this difficult time.
treasure the moments you had one can ever take them away from you.
thankyou for sharing your story with us. She was a beautiful little girl



Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I was devastated to read your original post and cried when I read your story.

Lily is a befitting name for a truly beautiful little girl. Treasure the memories of those too few days you had together.

Take time to grieve, and look after yourself.

Take care

Kim - thank you for sharing your story. I am still at a loss as to what to say. Take Care of yourself xxxxxxx



I have not been online for awhile and could not belive what I was reading when you posted about Lilly. I cannot comprehend what you must be going though, so all I can say is we are thinking of you at this time. I am so glad you could spend some time with her in hospital she looks a very beautiful baby in your sig.


Messages From Stillborn/Misccariage

Dear Kim
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss of your beautiful daughter Lilly. It is still early days yet and I understand your feelings of feeling empty. I found when I lost my son when he was six months old that for about a month I walked around in a daze before the grief really hit me. Take the time out to greive, you have gone from expeceting to bring a baby home to no baby in your arms, its very hard to come to terms with, it takes time.

Take care of yourself.

am so sorry for the terrible hurt you are feeling, Littleman is right, it will take time and you need to grieve, so dont be afraid to do so.
I myself have had four mc's and lost a 3 and ahalf month old to SIDS, but I can not imagine the pain you are going through right now, not bringing the baby you grew to love and cherish ovver the last nine months home is somthing I can not comprehend. My heart goes out to you so much.
Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts, big hugs and love to you and your hubby.


I really don't know what to say except that i am so sorry you lost your precious little girl. This world can be just so cruel at times
I am thinking of you and your family and sending my best wishes to you.



I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of your daughter Lilly.

I know there are no words to make you feel better, I've been there myself and know it just takes time, and a long time. Slowly and surely life will start to get better, but you need to let yourself grieve first.

There are many of us on these boards who have lost precious baby and hopefully we'll be able to help you through this difficult time.

SIDS/SANDS are a wonderful organisation with counselling and support groups who I found to be my lifeline.

Dear Kim,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter ~Lilly~

When my Dr's said to me those words " sorry we cannot find a heart beat" I just didnt want to have to believe them. Those words ring through my head distantly all the time..

I went home and came back the next day for a c section to deliver my girls ~Amie-Lee & Emily~. As we left the hospital I hated that the whole world was just still going on.. Laughter and happiness all around. I really wished that it would just stop for a moment.. I know that it is not possible but I realy wanted my girls little lost lives to be important to the world..

I have found that for many family & friends around me that is what happened, their lives just went on..

I wanted to let you know that I found new friends, new friends that I was led to I guess because of my girls..The understanding and support has meant so much to me and I know that with my new friends our paths would most likely have never crossed..

I wish for you to find comfort and support within your family & friends and if it is not quite the same anymore.. Then I wish for some new understanding supportive friends to come into your life and may it help you to face each day ahead..Knowing you have someone who cares and wants to listen and importantly understands the heartache of the loss of a precious baby..

I had such dreams of bringing my girls home from the hospital.. Visions of the day I would get to walk out holding my two babies.. My dreams and wishes just shattered, having to walk out of thehospital without them was... well you know there aren't quite the words to describe it..

That feeling, that pain and heartache is the reason I started Teddy Love Club.. In memory of my girls and my new friends angel daughter. We donate teddys to bereaved parents in the hope of easing the pain of having to leave the hspital with empty arms.. I wish we had the program available at your hospital where you delivered your ~Lilly~. I know it doesn't take away the pain at all just hope it helps a little to let the parents feel not quite so alone....

If you would like I can send a special little bear your way.. So you can hug and hold close when you are feeling lonely...


Oh Kim,

I am SO sorry. It is so unfair. I don't know what to say. My heart is breaking for you. You are in my thoughts and prayer.

((((((((((M*SSIVE HUG)))))))))))

Lucie (26)

Dear Kim,
Life can be so cruel can't it. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little Lilly. I too know the pain of losing a baby hours before walking into the hospital excitedly (and nervosly) with my DH to be induced (I was at 41 weeks) and be told the devasting news that your baby has died. My heart goes out to you and your DH at this time.

I am so glad that you and your Dh were able to spend time with your beautiful little girl, we have so many oppurtunities these days that mothers did not get years ago, I know I have no regrets about my time with my little Mia, as these are moments that I treasure with all my heart.

I truely hope that you get some of the answers you are searching for. In my case a small blood clot/placental bleed was all they could come up with. It must have happened so quick as there were no signs of feotal distress in my case. The hardest part for me now, being due for an induction in less than 5 weeks is that there is nothing I can do but wait and hope that what happened with Mia happened when I was overdue and this time they won't let me go that far so all should be fine.

I also truely hope that you find the support you need in family and friends. I know that whilst my family were very supportive early on, soon their grieving period was sort of over if you know what I mean, their lives had resumed as they had before, and I was left still so torn and lost without my little's been just over a year and I still am, and I have found that difficult, for me and I am sure many mothers our lifetime of grief has only just begun. I know that since becoming an EB member I have found support from many here and that I am grateful for. A couple of months ago my DH and I went to our first SANDS group meeting in our area, and that was also very helpful, to be able to talk to others who know SOME of the pain that we were dealing with.

All I can say is that there is no time limit for grieving, take what time you need. If you can find a way to release your grieve/anger/frustration you may find it helps, for me I wrote, letters to Mia, poems, thoughts...sometimes about her and her beauty and other times about my pain.

If you ever want to talk please feel free to send me a p.m.

Wishing you and your DH much love and support.


Oh Kim,
I am trying very hard to hold to hold back the tears. We lost our little girl last October at 22.2 weeks and that was hard enough.

I am so so sorry that you lost your beautiful little girl Lilly. She is truely an angel.

I lost Felicity due to a major placental bleed and a massive blood clot. There was also a lot of other stuff that was going on but in the end the pain just never goes away.
As the other girls have said before my post....take time to grieve. Nobody can tell you when to stop, only you know whats in your heart and only you can help your self start life over again. I still yearn to hold Felicity in my arms everyday, to hear her breathe, cry, laugh just anything. But I know that I will never hear those beautiful sounds come from her. Its hurt and I dont think that the pain ever really does go away but some how we all relize that yeah, unfortunately life does go on for everyone else. That made me angry as well that the rest of the family did their bit of grieving and then easily wne on with their lives. But life goes on even as i have relized. when we lost Felicity our little boy was 13 months and when DH is at work and you have to look after him, he was the one that kept me living. He was the one that made me get out of bed every morning when i just wanted to curl up and die myself.
7 months on and I think about Felicity every day. Especially as we are going through the whole pregnancy thing again. Losing our little one has made me treasure every single day of not only this pregnancy but just life itself. We can take it for granted sometimes and then a tragedy like this happens and it makes us all realize how valuable life is.

Anyway sweetie, just wanted to let you know that there are alot of us that have gone through the same (or almost the same thing) and that there is a great support network on EB.
Anytime you need to vent just come on here and I am sure that some one will be there to join in and cheer you on to get thru the day.

We are praying that you will get through this hard time and that you and your family will be drawn together by this experience.

With love and prayers always

Love Corrie

I'm sorry - You have every right to cry your eyes out for as long as is humanly possible (God, I'm even crying my eyes out for you at this time! But, I'm sure the sadness is absolutely nothing compared to what you're going through). I hope you find strength in your husband and loved ones to cope with your loss. Only the strongest person could deal with what you're going through right now - take comfort in that others have been through the same thing and they have come through the dark times. You're never alone. Just hang in there - time will heal the pain. You are lucky you got to hold her and say goodbye - some parents don't get that chance. I am sure you will have another baby one day (not that the next one would ever replace Lilly), who will fill your heart with love. I always like to think that the next child might be blessed with the spirit of the loved ones we have lost. I'm sure the time will come that you meet Lilly again.

Thinking of you and your family at this time,


Lilly's Second Birthday